Season of Grief

I have led a very blessed life. Until recently I had not grieved the loss of anyone deeply. When my parents and mother-in-law died when I was in my fifties, it seemed that their slow deaths were a release from suffering. And though I was sad I was not devastated. The death of my sister-in-law in a car accident saddened me too but I wasn’t overcome with grief.

But right now, I am experiencing a

Season of Grief

that has come quite unexpectedly and hit me hard. My husband, Jon, suggests that it is the suddenness and surprise of the losses that makes me feel the grief so deeply. That may be part of it but I also think that these two souls who recently departed  this life were a vital part of my joyful life. A week before Christmas my beloved cat, Gracie, became very ill and we sadly helped her leave this life 3 days before Christmas.

I feel like I’ve just begun to emerge from the grief I felt losing her.

And then on Friday I learned that a dear friend died suddenly at home on Thursday. I feel so much sorrow and loss. She was such a bright light with a laugh that could lift anyone’s heart, a kind heart, take no guff, brave, playful, generous spirit, who was always ready to listen. She could start a conversation with anyone and was endlessly curious and totally extroverted.

A Beautiful Soul and Bright Spirit

Though her early life was not easy my friend seemed to sail through life with a bright happy spirit. We bonded over our love of cats. When she adopted a challenging cat that had belonged to my mentally ill brother I watched as she worked her loving magic on taming and gently teaching the cat about both love and boundaries. The loving way that she cared for this cat taught me so much.

I remember when I dropped off the cat at her house I felt so guilty because I had not realized how very challenging the cat was until I picked her up at my brother’s house. The cat’s growls, sharp claws, and willingness to bite sent shivers up my spine (and I had always considered myself the cat tamer of the world). This cat was quite determined to defend herself and fight me as I tried to put her in a cat carrier to bring her to her new home. She  growled during most of the five-hour trip from my brother’s house to Minneapolis. I think that she was the fiercest cat I’ve ever encountered.

Miss Muffet and my friend

It struck me as amazing and amusing that my friend named this fierce cat Miss Muffett. The bond these two developed amazed me and filled me with joy. Miss Muffett had such a lucky second act in her life story. And my friend loved this cat so much. The last time I saw my friend, Miss Muffett lay calmly in her lap purring and loving being stroked by her person.

After Her Death

I am trying to find the lesson for tomorrow.
Matthew something. Which lectionary?
I have not forgotten the Way, but a little,
the way to the Way.
the trees keep whispering peace, peace,
and the birds in the shallows are full of the
bodies of small fish and are content.
They open their wings so easily, and fly.
So. It is still possible. I open the book
which the strange, difficult, beautiful church
has given me. To Matthew. Anywhere.

   — Mary Oliver

The Beauty of Aging

Our art group was meeting at her house when I last saw my friend. We talked about the state of the world and our concerns and worries about everything that was going on. And we talked about our creative lives and what we wanted to create. I told the group that I was thinking about starting a project making partially nude photographs of aging women. It was my hope that the project would show the beauty of aging. Boldly and brightly she was the first to volunteer to be one of my models for the project. Sadly we never had a chance to do that photo session. She was beautiful in every way. I will miss her so much.

I find myself in tears at odd moments, or remembering something she did that made me smile. And I realize that there will be no more long conversations, laughter together, uplifting text messages from her, and walks in her garden. This loss feels like a harbinger of more loss and grief to come. My husband and I and most of our friends are all getting older and feeling our age more and more.

The trick is, I think, to let it all be, the sorrow and the joy, the knowledge that there will be other losses. And to not stop laughing, loving and feeling joy because of the possibility of loss. Life is a full catastrophe of joy and sorrow and is still worth living.

I am joyful and grateful that my friend was a part of my life. Today, I send much love to her family and other friends who must also be reeling from the suddenness of my friend’s departure from this life. May all who are grieving her loss walk through their season of grief with both laughter and tears, hope and remembrance, honoring the great spirit of my dear friend.

May you walk in beauty.

This is how I remember her, bright, playful, brave, loving, and oh so beautiful inside and out

When she got her tattoo that said “Joyful and Grateful” for her 75th birthday