One of the wonderful things about becoming older is the freedom and wisdom born from a life filled with a multitude of experiences. If I had it to do over again I wouldn’t change a thing, but I might wish that I could learn and believe a few things at a younger age—things that have made my life so much better as I’ve gotten older.
Notes to my younger self
Choose Joy
This is the most important thing I’ve learned by far in this wonderful life of mine. For far too long I did what I thought I should or what others thought I should, trying to fit in and be “good.” It never worked, never brought me joy, and never helped me fit in. Choosing to do things that bring you joy brings you home to your true self. There is nothing more important or more misunderstood.
Choosing Joy is not selfish, lazy, or childish.
Banishing shoulds from your life is freeing and elevating. When you are able to choose to give of yourself or help someone because it brings you joy, joy is magnified and shared with the one receiving. When you choose to give or help someone because you “should,” joy is diminished for both you and the recipient. Following your passion and joy gives others permission to follow their passion and joy.
“The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and world’s deep hunger meet.” — Frederick Buechner
Choosing Joy is not always easy.
Sometimes the things which bring you joy are things you are afraid to do. Pushing through your fear and daring to fail are hard to do. Stepping outside your comfort zone means embracing discomfort. Trying something new is scary. I know. Many of us have lots of baggage about needing to be good at something immediately and great fear of failure or the unknown.
Failure is just another word for learning.
How does one become wise? By making many mistakes and learning from them. Let go of your baggage and do things for the pure joy of it. Embrace failure as a learning approach to life rather than a measure of your worth.
Try leaning in to your fear just a little. Each time you explore something which makes you curious or brings you joy even though you are afraid, you grow your tolerance for stepping into the unknown.
Whenever you are focused on outcome, joy almost always disappears. But when you focus on enjoying each moment of creating or doing without worrying about how things will turn out, joy blossoms.
Your faults are also your greatest gifts
Your greatest gifts are likewise your biggest challenges.
We all have gifts. We all have challenges. Unfortunately we often give more attention to the challenges than to the gifts. Or we refuse to explore new areas because we are not “good” at them.
As Leonard Cohen so eloquently said, “There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.”
Perfection is an illusion. We are all flawed beings and perfect beings at the same time—perfectly imperfect. Life is full of paradoxes like this. In fact I have learned that most great truths are full of paradox.
This lesson took forever for me to learn. I was always focused on my faults instead of my gifts. Growing up in a judging family, church, and community, judging came easily to me. In fact I didn’t even know how judgmental I was until years after I left the community. It took time for me to see the world differently.
Fortunately I have learned over the years to stop beating myself up for my faults and also to stop being impressed with my gifts.
We all have challenges. We all have gifts.
Which leads me to my next piece of wisdom…
You’re not that special
I spent much of my young life trying to be special or to prove that I was special. It took years and years for me to stop trying to be what I thought others expected me to be, and to simply be myself. I was convinced that I needed to be one the brightest and the best. It wasn’t enough to be ordinary, I had to have the top grades in school and the best performance review rating at work, or I was terribly unhappy. Finally I learned that when I embraced my full self with all of my gifts AND challenges that people liked me better. When I dared to be vulnerable and real I usually connected with people and felt deeply loved and accepted for being me.
“When I look at narcissism through the vulnerability lens, I see the shame-based fear of being ordinary. I see the fear of never feeling extraordinary enough to be noticed, to be lovable, to belong, or to cultivate a sense of purpose.”
― Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead
It took me many years to embrace my whole self, cracks and all. But when I did life became much easier for me. It is not necessary to be special to be worthy.
All beings have worth.
What you do does not make you worthy. You are already infinitely worthy and valuable. Let go of the need to be special in order to feel worthy.
Even the people who look like they have “it” all together have their own stuff
I spent years thinking that because someone acted or looked like they had their sh*t together, that they actually did have their sh*t together. Nothing could be further from the truth. We all suffer. We all have struggles. Sometimes the most put together exterior hides a really messed up interior.
We all have an invisible bag of rocks we carry around. Everyone suffers at one time or another. Everyone has pain. Letting go of the need to appear like you have it all together lets you be who you really are.
Allow your authentic imperfect self to be seen and you increase your chance to deeply connect with others.
“Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.”
― Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead
Life is short
The days and years of your life fly by even when the moments don’t. Love freely. Take risks. Stay awake. Be present. Notice beauty. Be grateful. Each moment is a gift. Ordinary miracles abound. Take every opportunity to appreciate the marvelous wonder of it all.
“ . . some moment happens in your life that you say yes right up to the roots of your hair, that makes it worth having been born just to have happen. laughing with somebody till the tears run down your cheeks. waking up to the first snow. being in bed with somebody you love… whether you thank god for such a moment or thank your lucky stars, it is a moment that is trying to open up your whole life. If you turn your back on such a moment and hurry along to business as usual, it may lose you the ball game. if you throw your arms around such a moment and hug it like crazy, it may save your soul.”
“Listen. Your life is happening. You are happening. Think back on your journey. The music of your life…”
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