Even on a bright, sunny, warm, humid September day I feel the turning of the season towards fall. As I gaze at the late morning landscape at French Regional Park I feel as if I am
Dwelling Between Fading Light and Falling Leaves
though there are many leaves yet to fall. The day length difference from a month ago surprises me almost every day. And it feels like there is a different quality of light this time of year too. Even in late morning the light isn’t as harsh as in the dog days of summer. Today it feels like there is a warm haziness to the light.
The path where I walked at the park today was littered with a scattering of fallen cottonwood tree leaves. And as I walked I felt gratitude for the simple act of being able to go out for a walk with my camera. It’s the second day in a row I’ve gone out since I recovered from Covid. And I am not taking my mobility and health for granted. Each day is a gift. The beauty of this world around us is a gift.
I feel a little sad to see the season turning into the fading light and falling leaves. Still, I hope that I can learn to appreciate and discover the gifts of this season too.
Autumn poses the question we all have to live with: How to hold on to the things we love even though we know that we and they are dying. How to see the world as it is, yet find light within that truth.
― Pico Iyer, Autumn Light: Season of Fire and Farewells
Can I perceive this season as an invitation to pay attention and be present? And can I cherish the beauty of life realizing that it is the impermanence of things that makes them precious and sweet?
Eternity in the Moment
Mary Oliver says, “all eternity is in the moment.” I want to cherish the eternity of each moment, even the bittersweet ones.
When my oldest daughter (now a mother of 2 teenagers) was almost 4 years old she became ill with some kind of liver disease. Specialists were unable to diagnose the illness. And we were very afraid. On her fifth birthday we had a birthday party for her. During the party I received a call from her pediatrician’s office telling us that her liver enzyme levels were higher than ever (not a good thing). It was a bittersweet day that still stands out in my memory. I worked so hard to stay in the happy moments of that day while fearing what the future might bring. My fear and grief almost stopped me from appreciating the sweet moments of laughter and fun we had that day. We were very fortunate that whatever caused her health problems gradually healed.
But this time of year (her birthday is in October) reminds me of both the beauty and the pain of being alive. And it reminds me to pay attention to each moment with an open heart. We all walk between joy and sorrow at one or more times in our lives. Loss is inevitable. Illness is inevitable. But joy and gratitude are still possible too. My goal is to stop defending against loss and the things that scare me and to learn to walk with joy and gratitude through the dark and the light that life brings.
Pema Chödrön did not become one of my teachers until I had almost finished writing, but she diagnosed the problem so well that I can no longer say it without her help. We are all so busy constructing zones of safety that keep breaking down, she says, that we hardly notice where all the suffering is coming from. We keep thinking that the problem is out there, in the things that scare us: dark nights, dark thoughts, dark guests, dark emotions. If we could just defend ourselves better against those things, we think, then surely we would feel more solid and secure. But of course we are wrong about that, as experience proves again and again. The real problem has far less to do with what is really out there than it does with our resistance to finding out what is really out there. The suffering comes from our reluctance to learn to walk in the dark.
― Barbara Brown Taylor, Learning to Walk in the Dark: Because Sometimes God Shows Up at Night
I hope that you, too, learn to walk in the dark with joy and gratitude, now, and in whatever challenges you face in life.
May you walk in beauty.
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