Every morning this week I’ve noticed the
Morning Reflections
in the pond behind our house. And each morning I pick up my camera and try to express some of the joy I feel seeing the bright reflections in the water. I never tire of seeing the pond after all these years. It is always changing through the turn of the seasons and also within each day as the light and weather change. Somehow it feels like a reminder to me to treasure each and every moment as things can change in the blink of an eye.
I noticed myself having an interesting conversation with my cat this morning. It went like this…
Gracie: Meow, meow, meow, meee-oow!
Me: Yes Gracie, I know you’re hungry and that you’ve had to wait longer than usual for your special food this morning. It’s not fair, is it. Life isn’t fair. No it isn’t!
Gracie: Meee-oow!
And that little conversation reminded me of two books I recently read by Kate Bowler. The first was called Everything Happens for a Reason and Other Lies I’ve Loved. And the second was called No Cure for Being Human (and other truths I needed to hear). Bowler was diagnosed at age 35 with stage 4 colon cancer and is a professor at the School of Divinity at Duke University, wife, and mother of a young son. Though her cancer responded well to immunotherapy, she lives with the reality that there is no cure for her disease.
In both books she talks about how she grappled with what to do with the limited unknown amount of time she has left. And she talks about how life isn’t fair. And also about how the old saying, “Everything happens for a reason,” is an out and out lie. Things happen. We don’t know why. The idea that we can wish or believe or think or figure our way out of the disappointments and tragedies of our lives is completely wrong.
Things happen. To everyone. Good or bad. Righteous or Sinner. Sometimes something good comes from negative events. And sometimes it doesn’t. The fact that I have learned and grown immensely through my own health issues does not take away the sting of living with them all these years.
We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.
―
Much Needed Reality
I valued Bowler’s words and ideas this week as I grappled with the reality of still another gut upset after over two months with no significant gut problems. As I predicted, after having a diagnostic colonoscopy in late July I was gifted with a little over a two month respite from symptoms. It was glorious! And I had almost convinced myself that this time would be different, that I had finally figured out what to do to prevent the problems from recurring. It struck me that just as Bowler is learning to live with her unknown amount of time left, I too, need to continually learn and re-learn how to live well with this body of mine no matter what is happening.
While meditating one day earlier this week I noticed how much time my mind and ego spend fussing about fixing whatever health issues I’m dealing with. Despite all of my years of experience with this stuff, my ego still hasn’t given up trying to control and fix. When I can let go of the urge to analyze, figure out, and fix, a little space opens up. A little grace appears, accepting not knowing and accepting what is here now.
What are you struggling with today? Or is today one of the days when everything seems easy and smooth? What can you let go of to allow a little space to open up in your life?
May you walk in beauty.
Celebratory note: I sent my final copies of book design, photos and text to the printer today! Now I am waiting to see them transformed into a final design document and then a proof of the book!
Test prints that I made before sending everything off the printer
Note: And more pond reflections from this morning…
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