This morning during my meditation time, while I was listening to a guided meditation led by Tara Brach, I found my mind beset with
Doubt
I kept bringing my mind back to my breath or bodily sensations each time I noticed the thought wheels turning in my head. But the thoughts kept coming and my doubts kept circling around.
I can hear your question as you read this, “What were you doubting?”
My doubts began when Tara Brach’s guided meditation suggested that I consider the question, “What is your reason for meditating today?” And my usual answer of “peace and healing” sounded trite and self-centered to me.
As I ponder my thoughts now, my doubts seemed to center around being enough and doing enough. The question of whether following my joy was enough or whether I should (note that s-word I try to avoid) be doing more.
I wish I could say that I’ve let go of my doubts and come back to fully embracing myself just as I am. But all I can say today (and probably every day) is that I am a work in progress. My head and my heart don’t always agree. And old patterns and beliefs pop up at the most unexpected times.
“Nora had always had a problem accepting herself. From as far back as she could remember, she’d had the sense that she wasn’t enough. Her parents who both had their own insecurities, had encouraged that idea.
She imagined, now, what it would be like to accept herself completely. Every mistake she had ever made. Every mark on her body. Every dream she had ever made. Every dream she hadn’t reached or pain she had felt. Every lust or longing she had suppressed.
She imagined accepting it all. The way she accepted nature. The way she accepted a glacier or a puffin or the breach of a whale.
She imagined seeing herself as just another brilliant freak of nature. Just another sentient animal, trying her best.
And in doing so, she imagined what it was like to be free.”
― The Midnight Library
Accepting It All
Initially I thought that I needed to banish the doubts. But then I realized that having doubts is a part of my perfectly imperfect life. Back when I was working on a software product called “The Analyzer,” to assist physicians in implanting pacemakers, a friend laughed when I told her what I was working on. “How perfect!” she exclaimed, “the analyzer is programming an analyzer.”
I can laugh now, though I’m not sure I laughed at the time. Yes, I’ve spent most of my life trying to “figure things out” and now I’m working on letting go of all that figuring out and simply accept that I am “just another sentient animal, trying her best.”
“Whatever arises, love that.”
– Matt Kahn
May you walk in beauty.
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