As a photographer I go through phases of intense creativity and enthusiasm followed by times of feeling empty of ideas and enthusiasm. I believe this is a part of the creative process. Fallow times bring needed rest and distance and often contribute to new rounds of creativity and learning.
This morning I read an interesting conversation with photographer, Bob Sadler. In it he relates being asked a question I often ask myself as a photographer…
Artist or Observer?
But as he’s leaving in the fog, he says, “I suppose the question for you is—are you an artist or are you just an observer with a camera?”
I thought, “Whaat? Either he’s crazy or he’s really deep.”— Bob Sadler, from A Common Humanity, A Conversation with Bob Sadler
And now I’m full of wondering about that question. Am I an artist or an observer with a camera? And do I really care whether I am an artist or an observer? If I keep asking myself, “What brings me joy?” does it matter if I am an artist or an observer with a camera? Certainly there is a part of my ego that cares and wants to be an artist. But there is another part of myself that simply wants to stay fully present finding joy and wonder moment to moment.
Ego or Soul?
Though I explored a new photographic technique with great curiosity last week, at the end of the week I was discouraged with my results and the technique. I didn’t feel that I was creating anything that expressed what I had hoped to express. And I found the process of creating the layered images fiddly and time-consuming. (Have I mentioned before that patience is not something I am known for?)
Yesterday on a Zoom call with a photographer friend, I showed some of my recent photographic explorations with the new technique. I was feeling like my experiments were a failure and mostly uninteresting. But she saw something different. “What if you did this?” she’d say and with my shared screen we explored various ways to work with the images. It was only through her endless curiosity and patience that I saw possibilities where before I saw none. The photo at the top of this post is what I created this morning after our explorations together yesterday. I would not have created it if not for her encouragement, enthusiasm, and ideas.
One of the questions my friend asked me yesterday that caused me to pause and think was, “How did you feel about the flowers you were photographing?” (probably not her exact words, but the meaning I took from her question) And I realized that I all week long I felt such deep appreciation for the flowers that I was photographing. As I’ve said before about working with flowers, the more I photograph them the more I fall in love with them.
So my ego got discouraged for awhile with the results of a new experiment. It happens. Sometimes friends help me pull myself back to what really matters to me. Other times, something I read or see brings me back. But always, eventually, I return to choosing joy and wonder. Am I an artist or observer? Who cares! SO LONG AS I AM CHOOSING JOY, MY SOUL SINGS.
“So whenever that brittle voice of dissatisfaction emerges within me, I can say “Ah, my ego! There you are, old friend!” It’s the same thing when I’m being criticized and I notice myself reaching with outrage, heartache, or defensiveness. It’s just my ego, flaring up and testing its power. In such circumstances, I have learned to watch my heated emotions carefully, but I try not to take them too seriously, because I know that it’s merely my ego that has been wounded–never my soul It is merely my ego that wants revenge, or to win the biggest prize. It is merely my ego that wants to start a Twitter war against a hater, or to sulk at an insult or to quit in righteous indignation because I didn’t get the outcome I wanted.
“At such times, I can always steady my life once more by returning to my soul. I ask it, “And what is it that you want, dear one?”
“The answer is always the same: “More wonder, please.”
“As long as I’m still moving in that direction—toward wonder–then I know I will always be fine in my soul, which is where it counts. And since creativity is still the most effective way for me to access wonder, I choose it.”
― Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear
How about you? What do you choose today?
May you walk in beauty.
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