In 1938 Harvard began a study led by Dr. Robert Waldinger, professor at Harvard Medical school. Over 75 years they tracked the lives of 724 men (yes, I know — only men! Why didn’t they also study women?). The study documented the men’s careers, personal lives, and health.
All of the men in the study were teenagers when the study began. The men went on to a variety of careers—from factory workers to lawyers to bricklayers to doctors. The study used detailed questionnaires, interviewing participants in their homes, collected participants’ medical records, scanned their brains, and talked with their wives and children.
There isn’t time, so brief is life, for bickerings, apologies, heartburnings, callings to account. There is only time for loving, and but an instant, so to speak, for that.”
— Mark Twain
Based upon thousands of pages of information, the team inferred two simple
Life Lessons —
from their data. These lessons are really simple.
First lesson —
People who are more connected to family, to friends, to the community, are happier, healthier, and live longer than people who are less connected.
Second lesson —
Quality of relationships was more important than the number of relationships one had. A high-conflict marriage affected health worse than a divorce in the long run according to their analysis. Those with meaningful relationships also had sharper memories well into their 80s.
That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t fight and argue once in a while in your relationships. Good relationships are not always smooth. My grandparents used to bicker with each other all the time, but there was no doubt in my mind that they loved one another deeply.
In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.” — Buddha
Learning to Connect
Connecting with friends, family, and significant others does not come easily to everyone. It did not come easily for me. I grew up in a family which didn’t really reach out a lot to connect with others. My parents had a lot of acquaintances in the church and the local community. But neither of them had the time or energy to really develop close friendships that I could see while I was growing up. Even within my family we were not close. My brothers were never my friends and as we became teenagers they began avoiding me and really never stopped avoiding me to this day.
Because we were surrounded by extended family when I was younger, it didn’t seem to matter. But as I got older and moved away from the community where I knew so many others I found it difficult to make new friendships and connections. Most of the close friendships I developed over the years were due to another person reaching out to me. I simply did not learn how to reach out and make friends as a child. Nor did I learn the skills needed to maintain and nourish friendships over time. I kept my inner self hidden and protected because of the fear that I would be judged or criticized for who I was.
I have been lucky to have had a few lovely women reach out to me and stay friends with me through years of my own personal ineptness or neglect of those friendships. To them I say a huge “THANK YOU, I LOVE YOU!” And of course, my sweet husband has been unconditionally loving and accepting all these years we have been together. Though he is also not someone who has a lot of friends, he doesn’t seem to miss them. Instead he puts all his energy into loving and caring for family members. He has taught me how to love unconditionally (or at least I’m still working on it).
One of the deeply transforming realizations about friendship occurred for me when I was spending 3 months alone on the Big Island of Hawaii in 2013. I stayed at a B&B where I got to know several interesting people. When I interacted day in day out it was impossible to hide my true self from the people of that small community. One day towards the end of my stay there I realized that they liked me just as I was. It was so amazing to me as I had kept my inner self so hidden and protected for most of my life. I remember saying to myself, “They like me. They really really like ME, the real me.” I think it was the first time in my life that I felt fully accepted just as I was.
Recently I realized that making deep authentic connections can be learned. It was a skill that I didn’t learn from my family of origin or from my husband. Instead as I got older I focused on reaching out to make new connections through church and women’s groups. I joined a friendship group. Along with spending more time with other women, I began to learn about self-compassion, mindfulness, and joy. In my joy journey I have learned that making time for significant others is an important part of my joyful life.
Friendships are still not easy for me. I often feel uncertain and inept. And I’m not sure whether to reach out or not. But I try to simply stay in a place where I am loving and accepting of myself and my limitations and of others with whatever baggage they may be carrying. I like to say that we all have a bag of rocks that we carry through life. What’s in your bag will not be the same as what is in my bag. If we’re lucky we are able to occasionally lighten the load through unconditional love and acceptance.
Perhaps connecting authentically with others is not a challenge for you. If so, consider yourself lucky. If not, know that you can learn to connect, slowly and mindfully. Learning to reach out lovingly and authentically is possible. Check out the work of Daniel Siegel, Tara Brach, and Diane Poole Heller.
Who do you want to connect with today? How can you do that?
May you walk in beauty.
0 Comments