I listened to an intriguing video yesterday with Tara Brach (author of Radical Acceptance and Radical Compassion) interviewing Dr. Daniel Siegel (author of numerous books on mindfulness, parenting, and awareness). The title of the video was “The Neuroscience of Compassion.”
The thing that intrigued me the most about listening to this video was the clear understanding that one cannot be truly compassionate and kind to others unless one knows how to be kind and compassionate to oneself. There are actual neurological reasons for this. Some of us need a kind of spiritual re-parenting, a kind of loving yourself into healing and then loving others into healing. We need to learn that kindness begins with yourself.
Kindness begins with yourself
If you, did not learn these skills as a child through positive experiences with your parents or other compassionate adults, how do you learn them? One way to begin this journey of learning to be kind and compassionate to oneself is through developing awareness of the physical body and practicing presence and meditation. (Listen to the video linked to above for more specific information.)
I have dabbled with meditation off and on for over 20 years. But finally about 4 or 5 years ago I set my intention to create a daily practice of meditation. Two of the teachers that I enjoy meditating with (via the free Insight Timer app on my phone) are Tara Brach and Andy Hobson.. Their guided meditations gently teach me more about being present and resting in gentle heart space with compassion and love.
Every morning I try to sit silently for 10 to 30 minutes, focusing on staying present and aware. Some days monkey mind wins totally and I find I’ve whiled away my sitting time thinking about what I’m going to do that day or imagining something I might photograph. But over time (years, not months or days) I feel as if I have grown more and more comfortable with who and what I am. I am more able to maintain stable attention during meditation and during my daily life.
Many things teach us about kindness
There are other influences in my life that have also taught me about kindness and self-compassion as well. I learn from those I spend time with and by being seen and accepted by others.
“We are not the survival of the fittest. We are the survival of the nurtured.”
After years and years I can finally recognize my foibles and inner contradictions with kindness. Yes, this is what it is to be human. And yes, I am imperfect and fallible and sometimes incredibly selfish. Despite all that I am worthy of love, and compassion. We are all imperfect and fallible. And we are all worthy of love and compassion.
Emerging from a sea of judgment
As a child I experienced little compassion. Judgment was far more common. Like a fish swimming in the sea is unaware of what water is, I was unaware of the amount of judgment that I carried within me until well into adulthood. I had to leave the sea of judgment that I lived in and experienced for so many years before I began to get a tiny inkling of what self-love and compassion felt like. Even then I felt that I needed to prove myself somehow — to show that I was worthy. Deep inside myself I carried a belief that if anyone knew the real me they would never love or respect me.
In 2012 I spent almost 3 months on the Big Island of Hawaii staying at Akiko’s Buddhist Bed & Breakfast with a varying group of idealists, travelers, artists, and an amazing trickster teacher (Akiko). It is impossible to be with people for that length of time without being exactly who and what you are. The thing that surprised and amazed me during that visit was that the people around me liked me just as I was.
It was a defining moment in my life. I still remember marveling to myself, “They like me. They really like me! Just as I am.”
“There is something wonderfully bold and liberating about saying yes to our entire imperfect and messy life.”
― Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha
It takes time
It has taken years and years to finally come to love and accept myself just as I am, recognizing that I don’t need to do anything special or be anything special to be worthy of love. And it continues to be a daily practice to recognize when I am not being kind and compassionate with myself.
The practices of mindfulness and compassion have changed me. My hope is that I can spread kindness and compassion through my photography and my writing so that maybe one other person finds a way towards self-compassion and love.
Every one of us can learn, change, and become more compassionate and the world needs us to do this.
So long as we are disconnected from ourselves we remain disconnected from one another and the earth as well. There is nothing that will heal us from our disconnection, destruction of the environment, and deep longing to be loved more than learning to be kind and compassionate toward ourselves.
Kindness begins with yourself.
May you walk in beauty.
A note about the photos in this post: Yesterday I visited the Como Park Conservatory in St. Paul. What a wonderful tropical feeling. With humid air, warmth and greenery all around it was magical!
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