This is a cacao flower. Look below to see how this tiny flower transforms into the big cacao fruit.
Breath by Breath
I get through life breath by breath, moment by moment.
There is only one moment and that is the present moment.
The more that I can rest in being present in that moment and accepting and allowing whatever is happening in that moment, the more easily my life flows.
Since meeting with an orthopedic surgeon earlier this week I’ve been waking up a lot at night and finding myself tossing and turning while obsessing about what I learned during our meeting and about getting ready for hip replacement surgery sometime this spring or early summer. The pain in my hip has also kicked up a notch in the night making me wake more often simply because I am uncomfortable.
Cacao Fruit (Big Island of Hawaii, 2013)
Stressing out about being awake or about the pain simply makes things worse.
As soon as I notice my thoughts I focus on breathing in, breathing out, breathing in, breathing out. Though nothing may change and I may continue to toss and turn and slip back into obsessive thoughts, I can accept and allow even that. Resisting does no good and often makes things worse. Instead of tensing up and feeling like I should do something to fix things I can relax and accept the pain, anxious thoughts, and behaviors.
This morning I sought out a guided meditation (I use an app called Insight Timer on my iPhone, and found a guided meditation by Andy Hobson, called Accepting and Letting Go to listen to). As I listened and focused on my breathing and on accepting and allowing, I felt my eyes well up with tears. No thoughts accompanied the feelings. Simply, “Ah, tears. Breathe in. Breathe out,” and within a minute the feelings passed. Thoughts came. Thoughts left. Breath remained as a solid anchor. Whenever I noticed my attention straying I came back gently to my breath.
One of my favorite spots on the Big Island
In—Out — Deep—Slow — Calm—Ease
Pain is still present. I am still awake. Nothing has changed. Or has it? I begin to sense the impermanence of things. Pain ebbs and flows, ever-shifting. Thoughts come. Thoughts go. The rhythm of my breathing from one breath to the next also shifts subtly. I lie in bed, thankful for being warm and mostly comfortable. Breath by breath I finally relax back into sleep.
This work I’m doing to be present and accepting of whatever comes along is never ending. Even when I do my formal meditation practice every day, I find some days it is easy to enter a calm expansive state, other days monkey mind, anxiety, thinking about the future, or other things distract me constantly through my practice.
The reason I practice is so that I can apply what I learn during my practice during challenging times. Sometimes the practice pays off and I remember to focus on my breath and accept. Other times, old patterns and thoughts drive my behavior. This week when I was sitting in the examination room at the orthopedic surgeon’s office waiting I noticed my anxiety levels rising. I reminded myself to go breath by breath and simply sat and practiced my breathing while I waited. Slowly I calmed.
This is why I live my life breath by breath.
Interesting Weather
It’s been an interesting week with extreme cold that caused school and business closings across the state, challenged the natural gas and electrical grid with extra high demand, and kept many Minnesotans home from work. Watching it all from the safety of my warm home or mostly warm car with occasional short excursions between building and car I was felt very grateful for the blessings of a warm home, reliable and warm automobile, and being free to mostly stay home rather than braving the dangerously cold weather.
In some ways I enjoyed the extreme cold this week. For example, there was the woman leaving the food coop behind us this week who exclaimed “Uff da!” when the cold wind first hit her. Seconds later she exclaimed “Uff da!” again. Laughing, Jon said, “It’s a two Uff da weather day in Minnesota.”
A great contrast to the weather here this week
So many people were finding creative ways to explore the frigid temps. A photographer I know from Two Harbors, Minnesota, continued his daily practice of getting out in Lake Superior in his dry suit with his camera in a protective housing, and making photographs of the amazing ice formations and other natural wonders from the lake. The photographs he created this week were stunning. And when he got out of the lake, any water left on his face, eyebrows and hair instantly froze, making for interesting selfies.
Others went out briefly to blow soap bubbles and watch them freeze. Still others threw boiling water up in the air to watch it instantly sublimate. One enterprising comedian visiting Minnesota, left a carton of eggs out in the sub-zero temperatures and an hour later, dumped the eggs (which now behaved like oblong golf balls) out on the ground.
Bragging Rights
I find many Minnesotans love to brag about how cold it is, how tough “we Minnesotans are” and how “there is no bad weather, only inappropriate clothing.” The guy that was out searching for the St. Paul Winter Carnival medallion in a St. Paul park at 10 o’clock at night was one of those people I think. Despite 40 to 50 degree below zero wind chill he persisted in hunting for the medallion until he got lucky, found it and won $10,000 for his efforts. More power to him and others like him. But that is not me.
Perhaps a little of that Minnesota ruggedness has worn off on me but I’m not generally terribly happy about winter and I hate driving on slippery roads. I prefer the other 3 seasons of the year. I work hard to accept and appreciate winter because I love living in Minnesota and resisting what is, is futile.
Trumpeter Swans on Mississippi River at Monticello
As the temperature dove far below zero this week I remembered a short conversation I had with a stranger in early January when temperatures had been above normal for many days. I said something about enjoying the unseasonably mild weather and he replied glumly, “We’re going to pay for this later.”
How sad — to think that if we have unseasonably good weather we will pay for it later. Life loses its zest and joy when we cannot take in and appreciate the present moment because we’re so busy dreading the future.
While I actively practice things like gratitude and choosing to do things which bring me joy that doesn’t mean that I don’t also struggle with worries and anxieties. But even in those times when I am struggling—especially in those times—there is a way to accept and allow whatever life brings.
What high anxiety feels like for me
Occasionally High Anxiety
I met with one of the two orthopedic surgeons I’ve chosen to talk with before choosing one to do my hip replacement surgery. He was knowledgeable and helpful. After taking a new set of x-rays of my hip I could see how rapidly things had changed (and not for the better) since late September when my first x-rays were made. In some ways it’s helpful to know that there is a very clear reason for the pain I am experiencing. And yet, it is also discouraging in that I know that it’s not going to magically go away or get better without a joint replacement.
Going through this process (which appears to be a many-month process due to the wait time for appointments) gives me lots of opportunities to practice accepting and allowing (dammit!). Isn’t it funny how things work out?
What challenges are you working with in your life?
Note about the photos in this post: I’ve been revisiting old photos from ~2013 and re-editing some of them. Since it’s so white outside I thought a little bit of tropical beauty might brighten your day. Enjoy.
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