Looking for purpose in life

Quote of the day: “We don’t have to go in search of our mission or purpose. The more we search for it, the more it will elude us.  We just have to be ourselves and find our joy in the present moment or do what calls us in the present moment  and our mission will unfold.” — Anita Moorjani

Hummingbird at flowers outside my kitchen window

I was one of those people who was good at a lot of things but not passionate about any one thing. Over the years I wondered, “What is my purpose?”

Looking for Purpose

The more I searched the less I knew. I had no idea what my purpose was, if I even had one.

Meanwhile my life went on.  I married, had children, and got a job. My life was filled with kids, work, cooking, gardening, and carpools. We had bills to pay and kids to raise.  I became immersed in my software engineering career and even though it didn’t make my heart sing I found challenging and fulfilling moments. I loved the creativity of designing user interfaces. Gnarly bugs and problems kept my active mind busy and the human side of software development was endlessly challenging and fascinating. My children grew up. My oldest daughter had children of her own and I had a bit more free time to play and explore.

Finding Joy in the Present Moment

I bought a little digital point and shoot camera so that I could take photographs of my young grandchildren. I had no grand purpose in mind. I just wanted to capture some of the special moments of their growing up. The first photos I made with that camera were awful! I had not learned enough about camera speed and auto-focus to capture those quick moving young ones.  I continued to persist, though. The fast turn-around time of making digital photos and seeing them helped me to begin to learn how to make better photos.

One day I took the camera out into the woods in the springtime, determined to capture closeup photographs of the early spring wild flowers that I loved.

I quickly became frustrated with my inability to make photos with nice soft backgrounds like those I saw the pros making of flowers. I discovered that what I was looking for was something called “shallow depth of field” and that my little point and shoot camera did not let me control the camera aperture which was needed in order to create shallow depth of field.

Frustrated, I picked up my husband’s digital camera which had aperture control and something called manual mode. Before investing in a better camera I decided to take my first digital photography class using his camera.  I wanted to see if I would really enjoy doing photography enough to justify buying a better camera. Ironically, I had resisted using my husband’s camera because “it was too complicated!”  Little did I know that with  the right stimulus and teaching that I would go out and buy an even more “complicated” camera.

I showed up at my first class with my husband’s modest digital camera with fixed lens, no fancy gear, and a 25-year-old tripod while everyone else there appeared to have new large DSLR cameras and gear up the wazoo.

My modest camera and old gear didn’t matter. I was hooked on nature photography before that first class ended!

John Gregor, a photographer from Two Harbors, Minnesota, taught that first class. He insisted that we place our cameras in manual mode, set the ISO to 100, use a tripod for all our shots, and learn how to control aperture, exposure and focusing manually.  We met at a wonderful park in Minneapolis with spring flowers in bloom. I was in heaven making photographs that day, even though none of them turned out as I had hoped.

I was a beginner making all of the typical beginner mistakes. That is how I learned photography—from making lots and lots of mistakes.

The next day I returned and made more photos. Once again I felt quite out of place with my modest gear and complete novice approach. It didn’t matter though.

The sparks had lit a fire of passion for photography that could not be extinguished!

Soon I bought an entry level DSLR camera, took more classes, and purchased additional lenses. Over time my photography improved. It continued to fascinate me and bring me great joy.

Little did I know that the combination of my following what I loved (wildflowers) and my frustration with not being able to make photos that looked like the ones I saw in magazines would lead me to a passion that continues to this day.

Looking back, I see sparks in my childhood and adult life that with the benefit of hindsight tell the story.  Each spark by itself was not enough to light the fire at the time, but I like to think that the timing was perfect for me when the sparks finally did light the fire. Digital camera technology had become better and more affordable. I had the time and money to pursue the hobby. I was ready to leave my software engineering job and pursue doing what I loved full time.

Now I see that creating, woodlands, gardens, and flowers have lit me up since childhood. It wasn’t until they all came together with the right equipment at the right time of my life to create a flame that continues to burn and to bring me joy every time I pick up my camera.

Even though I searched and searched for my purpose I never found it! It found me when the time was right!  Following my joy in the present moment, doing what I love just because I want to, without any long-term plan or goal in mind has brought me more joy than I could have imagined.

I continue to learn about following joy. My very ambitious and active mind likes to plan and make goals and have good reasons for doing things. I’ve taught several classes, shown my work in several venues, and done some portrait and wedding shoots. Many of those activities were fun and interesting but none of them lit me up like going out into the woods with my camera. My body and heart keep reminding me to let go of control and follow the joy. It’s a lesson I’ve had to learn over and over again.

Have you discovered your purpose? If not, are you searching, searching, searching for it? Why not relax and follow your joy or whatever calls you in the moment instead? Making time to do what you love may lead you to discovering that your purpose has been there all along, just waiting for you to notice.

May you walk in beauty.