Quote of the day: “When things are shaky and nothing is working, we might realize that we are on the verge of something. We might realize that this is a very vulnerable and tender place, and that tenderness can go either way. We can shut down and feel resentful or we can touch in on that throbbing quality.”
― Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart: Heartfelt Advice for Hard Times
Shadows of Doubt Loom Large
For the past two weeks, I’ve felt a rising tide of angst, a sense of things falling apart. Shadows of doubt surrounded my photography, my business, and my planned walk-about in Hawaii this winter. Nothing seemed to be working. Even the website I created for a group I belong to was infected with malware. I had a list of things I wanted to get done and for every item on the list there was a list of reasons why the task could not be completed.
At times I feel restless and aimless. “What’s this all about?” I wonder. As the time for me to leave for Hawaii gets nearer, more fears or misgivings arise. I feel as if I’m living in in-between time—too little time to start a new project, but not enough current projects to fill my time.
At times I question the sanity of taking an extended trip to Hawaii.
Embracing vulnerability, warts and all
I wonder whether I’ll be able to do 15 hours of physical labor per week at Akiko’s B&B and still have energy to explore, meet people, and make photos. I’m stronger than I was but I still have limitations in my health.
I wonder what my days in Hawaii will look like, how the rainy season in Hilo will be, how adventurous and courageous I will be, how much all of this will cost!
I wonder how much I’ll miss my sweet husband, Jon, while I’m gone. I can say with certainty that planned absence makes the heart grow fonder. I find myself appreciating Jon in ways that I often take for granted, now that I’m going to be apart from him for several months.
I’m feeling a little shaky and vulnerable, pre-launch jittery, “what have I committed to?” scared.
Layers and layers peel off until the truth is revealed
And as I take stock of the last year and a half in my photography business I am feeling the same way. I am seriously questioning whether working to create a photography business is the path for me. I LOVE making photographs. I LOVE sharing them with others. But there has to be income as well as passion and enjoyment to make a business work. The income hasn’t been there yet.
I’ve learned and grown as a photographer and I still believe that I am chased by beauty. Every day I see beauty all around me and my life is enriched beyond belief. And even through all the questioning and doubt I see options I never saw before; I see possibilities and ways to make a positive difference in the world.
It helps to give voice to feeling in this vulnerable and tender place. Perhaps the angst I’ve been feeling is from trying to shut down the uncomfortable feelings instead of let them arise and inform me.
Many years ago when I was doing something similar with negative feelings because I was “afraid of falling apart,” a generous teacher told me this,
Don’t look at it as falling apart. Look at it as falling together.
If you are experiencing similar feelings about some undertaking in your life, I urge you to be gentle with yourself, but to be courageous and voice those feelings. Get in touch with the rich, throbbing quality of vulnerability. Let yourself fall together.
Soaring
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